In loving memory of Hisham Sulieman.
From a distance, life happens
Travel backwards, stuck in motion
There was nothing before
And there will be nothing after
A dent in time, irreversible
A single moment, eternity made
You shared your story
I shared mine
Paths crossed, never a coincidence
Always an end, never any closure
You knew the answer all along
The question remains a mystery
A text, a smile
A secret, a while
You escaped the inescapable
Blurred lines, so clear
Crack a smile, crack a joke
Cheers a bottle, share a smoke
Ran as deep as the shore
Holes patched with quicksand
Look back, there is no forward
You understand that you are misunderstood
The loudest scream of all
Peace is searched, pieces are found
A guilty conscience, thunder follows
No rest in sleep, no calming the storm
Soiled memories now sweetened
Bad moments shifted shape
Desperate to reverse, there is no direction
Arguments lost against the wind
I knew I knew
Maybe I didn’t know
Blame you, blame me
A lost road followed
No words were spoken
But Hash was tagged with clues
Inspect the past, looking for proof
Now you’re floating in the clouds
Download pictures, loading memories
An emotional machine, you can’t reboot
You should have
I should have
We should have
I could have
I didn’t, you didn’t
You’re lost, I’m lost
I didn’t, you did
You win.
Spirits on trial
I’m your prosecutor and defender
A hung jury, judges no more
Too late, the verdict is in
This is where we part ways
You to your stars, me to my scars
There is no awareness
Until you can no longer be ignored
Boomerang the anger
Thrown at you, only comes back
It sticks, it slips
Now I feel your pain
You hurt, you heal
I hurt, I kneel
Cross between anger and love
A thin skin, a thick line
A tightrope meant for you to hang on
Cut it down with love
Nothing there to hold
Five stages to go
Calculated the deep end
Never belonged to the surface
You’ve finally found the other side
I’m sorry you ever searched.
Soiled Decoded
From a distance, life happens
Travel backwards, stuck in motion
There was nothing before
And there will be nothing after
-Although we were not close anymore, I am still hurt by the events
-I keep replaying moments in my head, I can’t believe the news
-Time moves on, the world doesn’t stop
A dent in time, irreversible
A single moment, eternity made
You shared your story
I shared mine
-This moment has such a large impact, it’s hard to ‘get over’ this, there’s no fixing it
-His memory will never be forgotten
-Opening up to each other, his story didn’t involve depression
-Stories I have shared before, I did speak about it.
Paths crossed, never a coincidence
Always an end, never any closure
You knew the answer all along
The question remains a mystery
-People come into each other’s lives for a reason, everything has a meaning
-Just because his life ended, does not mean you can get over it or understand
-He knew what he was planning and thought about it carefully
-Everyone is asking ‘why did he do it’ but there are other questions to ask to help get closer to *his* answer. No one is asking questions based on his perspective.
A text, a smile
A secret, a while
You escaped the inescapable
Blurred lines, so clear
-These reflect personal events, jokes shared, opening up to each other
-No one really knew we were close
-Depression tends to linger on, depression feels like there is no escaping it
-He may have felt as though this ending was clear, the only solution, whereas others don’t see this as a solution
Crack a smile, crack a joke
Cheers a bottle, share a smoke
Ran as deep as the shore
Holes patched with quicksand
-This is how people remember him (why did he do this, he was always smiling)
-When we feel an emptiness, we tend to bottle things up and pretend everything is fine
Share a smoke refers to the smoke and mirrors people put on as a display (such as social media), that things are great, people are happy (when they’re really not), sharing or exchanging surface level stories/conversations
-No deep conversations or connections, society can be very superficial
-We look for ways to deflect a problem or fill holes when we feel empty, but it will always catch up to us, there needs to be a better solution than getting swallowed by the problems we think we are fixing
Look back, there is no forward
You understood you were misunderstood
The loudest scream of all
Peace is searched, pieces are found
-There are no new memories that can be created, it feels like there is nothing to look forward to, all the good memories are in the past
-He knew he was different, and it was hard to connect
-Thoughts in his head were too much and not being able to connect is an alarming feeling
-He just wanted to silence the noise inside his head and feel calm, but never fully felt at peace, he finds himself broken, parts of himself not working
A guilty conscience, thunder follows
No rest in sleep, no calming the storm
Soiled memories now sweetened
Bad moments shifted shape
-Loved ones feeling like it is their fault, beginning to feel guilty, but no one is blaming them but themselves
-There’s nothing anyone can say to make you feel better about a loss, you can’t stop thinking about it
-You only think about the good times you’ve had, now that you can’t have them anymore, No matter what argument or fight you had, none of it matters anymore, all is forgiven, you just think about all the good
-Bad memories or issues don’t seem so bad anymore, everything ‘bad’ in the past seems so insignificant
Desperate to reverse, there is no direction
Arguments lost against the wind
I knew I knew
Maybe I didn’t know
-You want things to go back to being ok, but you don’t know where to start
-You are arguing in your head about what happened, but he’s not there to respond, it doesn’t matter what you say, there’s nothing to gain
-You’re so sure you know everything about a person
-You start second guessing how much you really knew or attempted to know them
Blame you, blame me
A lost road followed
No words were spoken
But Hash was tagged with clues
-You’re angry at the situation, blame keeps getting shifted back and forth
-You don’t know where you went wrong, your chase leads you confused
-He never told you how he felt or opened up, you start reading between the lines from memory
-‘Hash’ is his nickname, and when you replay events in your head, you begin to realize signs that were there
Inspect the past, looking for proof
Now you’re floating in the clouds
Download pictures, loading memories
An emotional machine, you can’t reboot
-You start going through all the memories, conversations and moments to looks for signs or piece together any clues or signs that are now obvious
-He is gone now, clouds mean both heaven and digital memories, which is all you have once your own memory fades
-All you have are texts, photos, and a digital footprint that won’t fade
-Humans are emotional machines, we love deeply and we hurt deeply, we can’t just snap out of it or get over something like this
You should have
I should have
We should have
I could have
*You have an argument in your head
-He should have sought help or talked to you or looked for another solution
-You should have put more effort or done something different
-You were not the only one around him that maybe missed signs, a lot of people loved him, he was loved by many
-You begin to regret moments and start thinking of what all the things you could have done differently, adamant in your mind that you could have made a difference
I didn’t, you didn’t
You’re lost, I’m lost
I didn’t, you did
You win.
*Argument filled with pain and anger inside your mind now
-Start blaming yourself that ‘I didn’t do more’
– Start blaming him ‘you didn’t reach out or give me a chance to help’
-We both have gone through hard times, trying to find our way through life
I didn’t choose my ending, you did
-No matter how much I argue inside my head or try to reason with myself, I can’t win this argument, you’re already gone
Put spirits on trial
I’m your prosecutor and defender
A hung jury, judges no more
Too late, the verdict is in
-I’m trying to understand your decision
-I’m so angry at you because you are loved and missed
-There’s nothing anyone can do, or decide what is right or wrong, people’s –judgement doesn’t matter
-The outcome cannot be changed now
This is where we part ways
You to your stars, me to my scars
There is no awareness
Until you can no longer be ignored
-Our friendship wasn’t supposed to end like this, you never thought it would end
-You disappeared, but I’m still hurt, something I can never just get over
-There is talk about suicide awareness, but no one knew about his struggles
-No one was aware there was something wrong until a tragic event occurred, and now we’re waking up because we have no choice
Boomerang the anger
Thrown at you, only comes back
It sticks, it slips
Now I feel your pain
-You want to be mad at him for taking his life
-The more upset you get at him or the situation, the more you blame yourself and feel hurt
-Every time you try to understand the reasoning, you just can’t accept it
-It’s an internal battle you have with yourself, much likely what he may have gone through, it’s hard to talk yourself into, or out of something, as much as you want to
You hurt, you heal
I hurt, I kneel
Cross between anger and love
A thin skin, a thick line
-His pain is no longer there, in death the pain stopped
-Collapsing to your knees when you heard what happened, praying for strength
-Your emotions keep going back and forth trying to understand ‘why’
-You’re very fragile right now, to you, life and death are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum you can’t understand how someone can do this when there seem to be so many more options in between
A tightrope meant for you hang on
Cut it down with love
Nothing there to hold
Five stages to go
-Expression of hanging on with a thread, a rope was supposed to be used as a lifeline- but words and well wishes are not enough to help
-You wish you could replace the rope with love
-He’s at peace now, there’s no need to hang on to pain
-The 5 stages of grief begin, you still cannot get over the shock (the initial stage) so you will always feel like you will not heal
Calculated the deep end
Never belonged to the surface
You’ve finally found the other side
I’m sorry you ever searched.
-Seems like he thought about it long and hard, it’s not something that was decided in a moment
-There was more he wanted that he never found a deeper connection to
-He was looking for a solution
-I’m sorry he ever went through this battle to begin with